Monthly Archives: January 2010

Who am I? Let me introduce myself.

  • Who am I? Let me introduce myself.
    • I am not the person you see before you.
    • I am not the person you hear.
    • I am not the person you hold in your arms.
    • I am not the person you share your quiet moments with.
    • I am not the person you have memories of.
    • I am not the person you create memories with.
    • I am not the person I think I was or am.
  • I am much more!
    • I am multi-faceted – too many to count.
    • I am a paradox.
    • I am a contradiction.
    • I am whole, but yet separate.
    • I am split personalities, but integrated.
    • I am loving and hateful.
    • I am warm and yet distant or aloof.
    • I am an extrovert, but very private and shy.
    • I am fun-loving jokester and yet wary of offense or offending.
    • I am decisive and yet cannot make a  decision on occasion.
    • I am strong in my convictions and willing to hear new thoughts.
    • I am stubborn, but willing to change to accomodate others.
    • I have “hot flashes” of old memories. 
      • These memories are as real as if they just happened.  I feel happy, embarrassed, or angry all over again.
    • I forgive myself of my transgressions and strive not to have to learn lessons twice.
    • I am confident of myself, but I doubt my abilities.
    • I am sensitive of others, but I am also unfeeling.
    • I cry real tears, but stuff the emotions.
    • I am brave, but a coward.
  • The list goes on and on.  
    • I am not different that any other person,
    • Even you the reader of these musings.
    • Each human is capable of thought and action is similar.
  • I like who I am! 
    • This was not always true. 
    • There were times that were only one set of footprints in the sand
    • And they weren’t mine.
  • I hope you like who you are. 
    • You are as deserving as I am.

Originally written on    March 10, 1994   Feb

Call it What You Want!

Call it What You Want!

  • Call it what you want.
    • Call it day dreaming.
    • Call it contemplation.
    • Call it thinking
    • Or even  time out from the world.
  • Whatever you call it,
    • I need this time to spend ruminating within myself. 
    • This is a precious moment of healing, understanding,
    • planning and sometimes escape to unreality.
  • When I return to your world I am better for taking this special time.

Originally written:   December 26, 1994

Ah… Those Faults You Have…

Ahh… Those Faults You Have.

  • The easiest faults to condemn are those noticed in others.   However, I have found the easiest faults to recognize are those that I have personally experienced within  my own person.  Condemning others is voicing anger at yourself or at least it was in my case.
  • A better way is to acknowledge the fault in others is to smile your best smile while saying a prayer for guidance of both the person who has exhibited the fault and for yourself.   
  • This has a humbling quality.  It also keeps friends as friends.

Originally written:   December 10, 1994

Where am I Going?

Where am I going?

  • Where am I going?
  • I think I know!
    • I say “think” because the winds of change blow;
      • Sometimes meekly and other times very brazenly.
    • I, like the oak tree, bend in the wind allowing the wind to pass  changing only those things necessary to sustain life and stay on course.
  • Where am I going?
  • I know the way!
    • I say “know” because I am committed;
      • commitment plus perseverance equals achievement!
    • I like the tortoise, slow, plodding, deliberate.
  • Where am I going?
  • The way is here inside,
    • The path unclear – full of danger.
    • It is strewn with pitfalls and brambles.
    • It winds in and out of darkness, fog, and sunlight.
    • It turns upon itself confusing travelers.
  • Where am I going? 
  •  I feel safe.   I have faith.  
    • I will reach my destination!
    • It will be different than I now see it.
      • Yet, I am comfortable it will be MY Destination.

Originally written:    November 19, 1994

Frustration can be Debilitating

Frustration can be Debilitating

  • Frustration can be debilitating.
    • Debilitation can lead to hopelessness.
    • Hopelessness leads to despair.
    • Despairing can lead to inaction.
    • Inaction leads to frustration.
  • Decisions and actions lead to accomplishment.
    • Accomplishment leads to self-worth.
  • Thus the cycle of frustration is broken.

Originally written:  November 1, 1994

Ebb and Flow of Energy

Ebb and Flow to My Life Energy

I have detected an ebb and flow to my life energy.  There are days when it takes a significant  effort to maintain concentration, to complete a task, or just make a decision.  It seems these times are accompanied with a tiredness  of mind and spirit.   Then, there are days when everything is easy.   I can be super-charged with energy,  motivation, drive to carry out tasks and actually get them done.

After years of  monitoring my energy levels there seems to be a cycle.  Like a tide in the ocean, the ebb and flow governed by the moon, life’s energy is governed by some unseen force.  There is a regularity to the change of energy cycles.  There is a perpetual ebb and flow of life’s energy.

Have you felt the same ebb and flow?   I believe each of us have this cycle.  The challenge is to take advantage of these changes.
Originally written:  October 29, 1994

Trouble Listening to You

Trouble listening to you.

I have trouble listening to others.  I have these thoughts that intrude and shut off my hearing.  I become self-absorbed in these thoughts.  These bandits steal my attention and my concentration.  They rob me of self-respect and the respect of others. 

No matter how hard I try to look into my friends eyes and block out all the  distractions,  the bandit jumps out from behind some of the words I hear to create a thought, a contemplation, a derivative of what I am hearing.   My ears shut off and I ruminate on the distraction.   Then, suddenly I see the eyes before me change in a subtle way and  recognize I was ambushed.

I feel  horribly embarrassed.  I struggle to catch up with the conversation to become knowledgeable enough to intelligently respond.    I have become very adept at giving a nod, a grunt, or “Hmm-mmm” indicating I have heard.  However, deep within the recess of my mind  I know I just got caught again.  I try to hide my embarrassment and confusion from getting to my eyes for all to see.   Yet, I know I was ambushed.

I mask my feelings in a studied concentration.  Oh, what an actor I have become.  Self-discipline, yes but more.   I need a marshall or sheriff to arrest those words that form in my mind before I get distracted.  I need to find a method to avoid being robbed of my attention. 

I have trouble listening.  I know others have similar problems.  I forgive my self and begin again avoid the bandit.
Originally written October 26, 1994

Be Helpful, Be Loving.

  • Be Helpful, Be Loving.
    • By being these simple things, by earnestly trying to always to have these two credos as my motives of actions;
    • I will live the best possible life.
    • I will have a sense of accomplishment.
    • I will have a sense of self worth, but not too much pride.
    • I will have enriched relationships with all who surround me.
    • I will be focused on others rather than self.
  • You can actually net it down to:    Be Loving!
    • Love requires action – positive action for me and for others.
    • Love requires commitment which provides consistent positive action.
    • Easy to say or think – very tough to live each moment of my life this way.
    • I try, but I know there have been and will be moments when I do not adhere to these precepts.
  • I ask forgiveness for those lapses.

Originally written   –   June 3, 1994

Evil is insidious

  • Evil is insidious.  Evil is sneaky.
    • There are few black and white choices.
    • Rare are the easy choices between good or evil.
    • At least not until it is too late.
    • You turn around and look at how you have walked this path
    • You notice each choice.
      •  Foresight murky and filled with doubt. Hindsight is clear
    • There is the story of a live frog put in a cool pan of water stayed in the pan and who was boiled to death.   
    •  I could be that frog.
  • Looking back.
    • You notice the times a choice was made and self discipline was left behind. 
    • Greed, pride, or selfishness ruled the decisions.
    • There was never a lot of greed, pride, or selfishness. 
    • Just very small doses.  Just small choices.
  • A tidbit here.  A tidbit there.  
    • Unfelt, just a nibble each time.
    • It is surprising how fast a path can be traveled at a “nibble” pace.
  • Evil is insidious. Evil is sneaky.  Evil is relentless.


Originally written:       October 12, 1994

  • I was reflecting on good and bad choices made along life’s pathways.  A lesson learned can be mistake not to be repeated.  That is life.  Often, a good choice turns out to be the wrong choice.  Another lesson learned.  A commitment given now needs to be changed.  It is a tough lesson to learn when commitment is so serious.  Evil comes in many forms.  Many are cloaked in beauty and plenty. Evil delivers neither. 

There must be more

  • There must be more.
    • To look deep within another’s eye is to look deep within another’s soul.
    • When I look at some people and into their eyes it sometimes happens that I detect a wall or barrier or a sense of depth. 
    • It is sometimes warm, sometimes cold and forbidden, or a sense of light,  even joy or welcoming my glance.
  • I ponder!  Is this their soul essence?
    • It cannot be denied that to look into the eyes of your beloved detects a view and sensation no other can provide. 
    •  There is depth, a surrounding in a non-verbal, non-touching embrace that can and often enkindles the libido.
  • I ponder!  Is this their soul essence?
    • It cannot be denied that sometimes  when a loved one walks into a room you can sense their presence without seeing or hearing them. 
    • Lost within a social gathering be guided unerringly into their presence. 
    • How does this happen?
  • I ponder!  Is this their soul essence?
  • There must be more……    It is!      There is!!!

Originally written:   September 30 1994