Monthly Archives: August 2010

Hope…

Hope is the presence of the belief
“It will be better!”

Hope for a “thing”, “to be”,  or “not to be”
Provides meaning.

Yes meaning!
Meaning for the meaningless.

Without hope, a vision of the future
Is without purpose.

Yes it is meaningless!

I somehow think “hope”
Is a “gift” from our Creator.

Some people are blessed with it.
Others are searching.

Originally written:   January 6, 1999

There was a day in my life when hope seemed to disappear.
There were a lot of things that went into the feeling of
hopelessness.  It had built up over several years.  I picture it
like tiny grains of sand piling up around my feet.  Slowly I
was being buried. My feet and legs locked  by the sand
into one position unable to escape.  My future was dark
and without hope. 

I took my 68 Chevy Biscayne  white station wagon for a
drive alone up into the Rocky Mountains on a curvy
two lane road named Left Hand Canyon.  I drove up to the
top very despondent over the way life had beaten me down
and kept me down. My chest felt like a ton was sitting on it
making it hard to breathe. My mind racing to find a way to
solve all the dilemmas I was facing.   I stopped at the top
I turned the car around and sped down the mountain road
with the intent of going straight on a curve that had a thousand
foot drop.  The car came to that corner and skidded
precariously close. but turned that corner.  I slowed down
and drove home.  I can’t tell you how the car made it through
that curve.  Once on the other side of that curve everything
changed.
 
After that moment I decided I was in charge.  I was not
going to let others dictate how I was going to feel.  Life has
dropped a lot of lemons onto my lap.  I had a lot credit card
debt, got divorced, lost custody of my kids due to an
alcoholic attorney mistakes, my job was closed down, and I was
forced to move 1200 miles away from my children.   

I have never lost hope again.  I know there are good days and
bad days. I know how to use lots of lemons to make lemonade,
lemon with beer, tea, and even on salads.   I have become
versatile in dealing with both the good and bad events. 

I share my personal experience in the I desire others would there
is hope and better days and have the same faith in the future I have.

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A Time of Reflection

The last day has passed.
The new beginning anticipated.

A time of reflection
Of successes and failures.

It seemed so far away,
The sands of time just slipped away.

A future is perceived
Filled with accomplishments.

It’s nearness searing
Past memories and hopes into memories.

Originally written:  January 1, 1999

The new year has arrived and I was reflecting on what happened in past years
as a new year began.  This year was not so different from other years.  Yet,
this was the last year before 2000. There were the worries and concerns about
a lot of things working in the year 2000.   There were dire warnings and media
added to our anxiety.  I wonder if they really acquired additional customers
because of their coverage?   Did they sell more advertising on TV?   I personally,
do not think they did.  In our house and our jobs problems were non-event.  I 
hope it was the same in your homes  and jobs as well. 

There are moments in time when reading mass media I pause  and wonder if the
They are doing a proper job in their reporting.  It seems bad events or happenings
are reported more often and good news items do not have the same frequency of
reporting.   News items that drive anxiety up seem to get published more often than 
good news.  Maybe I am wrong.  I just wonder what others think.

Hole in My Heart

Death leaves a hole

In the heart,

Emptiness personified.

Hole in My Heart

Longing unanswered.

Time slows down.

Grief sears my soul..

 

Originally written and sketched:  December 8, 1998

In the prior years I had lost several dear friends and family.  I wrote and sketched this feeling the emptiness family and friends left in my life and heart.  The image that came to mind was a hole in my heart.    When a loved one is lost I think it does leave a hole in one’s heart.   Grieving is a process we all get to learn as we grow older.  It is part of the maturing process.  It is one I would love to do without, but then I would not be the person I am because the pain and suffering make me cherish the moments I had with the loved one.  More importantly I have found that I cherish the living more.

 

There Goes I, But for the Grace of God

  • There goes I, except for Grace of God.
    The homeless.
    The convicted.
    The disenchanted.
    The victims.
    The list is endless.
  • Yes, there goes I, except for Grace of God.
    The self enamored.
    The power hunger.
    The poor in spirit.
    Even those with out hope.
  • The list is endless.

Originally written:  December 9 1998

  • There have been so many instances that could have gone
    wrong in my life.  Is it by luck or happenstance or is
    it hard work and a willingness to help others that I am
    not in one of these situations?   Yet, I know there were
    moments when just luck or karma could have a sad
    result.  Sad and bad things happen to very good people.
  • When I see a disadvantaged person my heart goes out to
    them.  I know I could just as easily be standing where
    they are.  The way to live is to live for today and with
    love.  Love for your family and friends helping those
    with less and in need.  
  • I see young people sent to prison for what was considered
    mischief when I was a youngster.   On Guy Fawkes Night
    there was always mischief in the small town and county
    where I grew up.  Tipping over outhouses,  paper
    with cow dung lit on fire and doorbell rang,  door bell
    ringing and leaving.  Yet, when eggs thrown at a house
    stained the house the house was repainted by the culprits. 
    Of a small town of 5 streets there were 3 police cars looking
    for shenanigans with no success. Yet,  New Years
    Eve streamers decorated the park trees in the morning
    after.  We moved away from that small town to a large city
    when I was 11 years old.  I still like small towns.  Oh,
    yes I should mention that my dad was the town marshal
    and a deputy sheriff of county.
  • As a teenager I stepped on a corner of a policeman’s
    yard and then walked up the alley to my house.  My
    friend and I stood in the middle of the alley and talked. 
    I remember we laughed and joked about something at
    the mall.  About that time the policeman living on the
    corner stepped out into the alley and then went back into
    his house.  It was about ten minutes later when 2
    police cars turned into the alley from opposite ends with
    their lights on.  It scared us.  We ran in opposite directions. 
    I between houses and out into a large field.  About that
    time I heard the policemen yell, “Halt or I will shoot.” and
    then a pistol shot.  I kept on running.  Running in fact
    out of my shoes.   I ran for about 1/2 mile in the dark to
    a ditch.  There I stayed for an hour.  It seemed like
    forever.  I, then slowly walked home by roundabout way
    only to be captured as I approached my home.  The first
    question I was asked was; “What happened to your shoes?
    Do you often go out with just your stockings?”
  • I received a very stern lecture from the policeman about
    running from them.  I was informed about the possible
    consequences.  My father was not as generous.  Yet,
    my memory retains one punishment. I had to go the
    next day and apologize to the policeman on the corner
    whose lawn I stepped on.  He was a  Lieutenant on the
    cities police force.  I weeded and mowed his lawn for a
    couple weeks.  Every time I hated every agonizing
    moment of it.  Yet, the lesson was emblazoned upon my
    memory – Don’t mess with a policeman and don’t run away.
    They will catch up to you.
  • The sixteen year old neighbor boy ran into trouble with
    the same policeman.  He squealed his tires turning in
    front of his house.  The policeman warned him but he
    did not pay attention.  Within a couple of weeks he lost his
    license to traffic violations.  The policeman had given his
    car’s license number to other policeman who did him a
    favor of stopping that car anytime they could spot a
    moving violation. When he continued to drive he was
    arrested and spent time in jail.  When he got out he
    was as careful as I was around the neighborhood.
  • Yes,  I was lucky I did not end up in the boys home or
    reformatory as they were called then.  My life would have
    been very different. 

I Pause

  • I pause
    It is time.
  • Yes, time,
    Time to take note.
  • I pause,
    Contemplating.
  • Yes, contemplating,
    Contemplating my gifts.
  • I pause,
    It is time.
  • Yes, time,
    Time to say “Thank you!”

Originally written: November 26, 1998

  • Each of us at sometime in our lives, stop, pausing to say
    “Thank You Lord!”   It does not need to be within the
    walls of a cathedral or even a church.   It can be done
    on a walk, while driving,  during morning or evening
    prayers.  It can be done in the city or in the forest.
  • I take time to acknowledge the gifts I have received.  They
    are as simple as the first thought in the morning to the last
    thought of the day.  The gift of wife, children, and even
    grandchildren in my life.  The artistic abilities and friends
    who keep me on the right path with their straight talk and
    truths. 
  • I want to live my life with a glass full attitude.  I have much
    to be thankful for. 

Babble, Babble, Babble

  • Babble, babble, babble
    I babble on.
    Thoughts to words
    Words to paper.
  • I babble on,
    For what I wonder,
    Do I babble on?
  • Yet, I babble on.
    Filling some inner need,
    Thoughts to words,
    Words to paper.
  • When will the babble end?
    When my last breath
    Of this earth’s air
    Leaves my lungs for the last time.

 

Originally written:   October 30, 1998

  • There are moments when I just babble on for no observable
    value to myself or others. Yet, the thoughts come forth and
    are translated into words.  I have felt the undeniable drive
    to put these words down into a personal journal.  
  • Are the words for others?  The words are for myself, and
    my children first.  I originally wanted to write down in my
    journals the “Ahhh Ha’s” or moments of truth I discovered
    in my life.  It was a way I could help my descendant to
    understand who I was and what I thought.   I came to that
    decision after reading C.S. Lewis and the movie
    Shadowlands that shows him writing in his journals.   I left
    that movie and purchased a blank book that was 8 1/2 by 11
    inches in size.  As I wrote into the blank books/journals
    the thoughts came and were translated into what you see on
    this blog.  This little “ditty” is located in the 4th of 6 volumes
    of journals. 
  • I have shared several of the entries with friends over the 13
    years.  A friend recommended sharing the writings via a blog
    in January 2010.  Since then I have been gradually entering
    the musings.  I have selected some of the previous entries to
    create a book of prose for a family reunion silent auction.  I
    was amazed it sold. I think I understand why it sold? It was
    family memorabilia. There were over 250 descendents at the
    family reunion.  The proceeds of the auction go toward funding
    the next family reunion.
  • Reading the entries from the beginning to the end provides a
    unique view of who I was and changes in my life.  Yes, some
    of the writings can be taken several different ways.  That was
    and will be intentional sometimes to provide a humor and
    thought. 

The Journey of My Soul

  • The journey of my soul
    It is not a straight path.
    It never was, nor will it be.
  • I meander, self-directed, others directed,
    And yes, even God directed.
    Hopefully more of the latter.
  • Each milestone a learning experience.
    A chance to share, to love, to learn,
    And to agonize.
  • It is the meandering
    That provides my growth.
    That expands my knowledge.
    That challenges my worn out ideas.
  • I meander with a purpose,
    To grow in love.

Originally written:   October 30, 1998

  • Yes,  I meander through life.   My life in review reveals the truth.
    The person I have become was educated by life’s good, bad
    and  ugly.   The changes, places,  and experiences all have combined
    to provide the background for the formation of a life.  The
    meandering is the spice.  Sometimes it is hot as a jalepano
    pepper.  Other times it is a lot of crushed ice.  There are times
    it is a dragster reaching the quarter mile posts. There are times
    when I have been wrong, wrong, wrong,  and have had to humbly
    apologize and change direction.  On other occasions the trail
    is straight and narrow.  In all of the meandering there was
    something to learn each day.  Sometimes too much to learn.
    I have learned to laugh at my foibles and be humble in life.