Monthly Archives: April 2011

Thanksgiving

 I try to make each moment
A thankful one.

I have so much,
To be thankful for.

For things so great,
And so small.

Each breath, each thought,
Each friend, and family member,

And on and on.
The turkey has been cut,
Table set,

Prayers said,
Food graciously shared,

Songs sung,
Stories shared,

Games played,
And importantly

Thanksgiving re-enacted.

Originally written:  November 23, 2000

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Guilt, A Powerful Force

Guilt has always been a powerful force in my life.
 
I believe the first emotion I can recall is guilt and then regret.

Guilty of going home with the potato chip man without approval
at age 3 or 4.  I do not recall what happened when Mom and Dad
found out.  It was never spoken of again.  I do remember being
woke in the middle of the night at the home of the potato chip 
delivery man and wife’s home and taken home by Dad.  I got
the potato chip man in a bit of trouble.  They thought I had
permission to go home with him.  I didn’t. I never even asked
Mom or Dad if I could go.

Guilty of pulling the trigger on a 22 rifle as my brother’s friend
was talking to my older brother Jake and leaning on the barrel
of the rifle.  They were shooting chicken hawks on the farm. I was
four years old and I walked up behind Billy and pulled the trigger.
Bang – the bullet went through his hand and lodged next to his
heart.  Billy carries the bullet next to his heart to this day.
After pulling the trigger and the loud bang I ran around the house
to the backyard and climbed inside of a plastic gun turret
Dad had purchased as a small green house.  Mom and Dad found
me as the sun was going down under the turret.

These may be the first memories of emotions I remember clearly.
The trauma involved imprinted them and made them forces in my life.
Guilt and Regret can be great motivators. 

Originally written:   November 5, 2000
Guilt can be motivational or it can be one that stops all forward
action if one lets it.  I look back and I see it as a basic reason  to
do good with my life.  Oh yes,  There have been other times that I feel
guilty and regret.  Some greater and some lessor than these offenses.

Since this is not a confessional I will not dwell on those sins. I
will say that each has become a force for good.

Desires are Desires

Desires are desires.
You can intellectually desire,
Or emotionally desire.

I have found
Which I am
Likely to feel
And succeed.

When I emotionally desire
Emotion is a stronger force
Than intellectual forces.

Desires are driving
Forces in my life.

I wonder if
I can trace
This all back
To guilt trips.
Originally written:  August 6, 2000

Desires can be intellectually or emotionally based. 
I have found which helps more often lead to success for me.
Then a thought crossed my mind.  Was this all related
back to the emotions felt when I was growing up and
felt guilty and unworthy.  Emotions were very strong.

Final Goodbyes Said

Garden og the Gods

Garden of the Gods

Goodbyes said,
Final ones!
The next time we meet
There will be no “Goodbyes.”

I saw your pain
In the reflection
Of your eyes.

They told
Of your suffering
And your small reserve.

I acknowledged
Your kiss to my cheek.
With kiss of love
And caring to yours.

I continue
My petitions each night.
With many prayers
In between.

I wish for you to complete
Your “To do list” swiftly.
I pray your doctors
Keep you comfortable.

I also pray
You are able
To maintain your dignity
Through the travails ahead.

Goodbye my dear uncle,
But I really mean
“Until we meet again!”
Originally written:  June 28, 2000

These few words were written to help
relieve the pain I was feeling as I
bid Goodbye to a dear uncle.

Uncle Jay and my father were the closest
of brothers.  When Dad needed help
Uncle Jay was there to help.  The
reverse was also true.   He became a
father figure in my life after Dad died.
My wife and I are still close to his
wife Auntie Dot.

I did not want to say goodbye
but I knew we both needed to
acknowledge this was the last time
we would see each other would
be when I crossover into the next world.
I did not want my dear uncle to
continue to live in horrible pain with
terminal bone cancer.

We said our loving goodbyes and wished
each other well.  Surrounded by
his loving family my dear uncle
crossed over to a new life in November
2000.

I Love Life

Majestic Tetons

 

I love life!
It is so eternally fascinating.

I love each moment!
Precious beyond words.

I live life!
To the fullest, overflowing.

I love earnestly!
Deeply beyond words.
Originally written:  May 15, 2000

Life with bad moments only makes the good moments
even better. The rain and the snow make the sunshine
even brighter. The rainbows promise even more true.
Arguments between loving adults usually ends up
with wonderful makeup moments.

The glass of life can be viewed as half empty and draining.
I adhere to a different view of half full and filling.

Which way do you view your life? 

As I write this I know there are moments in my past
when things were absolutely improbable. The glass of
life did not look like it was filling.  In fact
I thought I saw the bottom of it a few times.

Then gradually through hard work and achieved goals
things got brighter and there was a rainbow.  The
promise was fulfilled.  It is there for all who
pursue it.

Listen to the Rain

Sit still.
Listen to the rain.

Can you distinguish
Each rain drop?

Let the sounds soak
Into your bones.
.
Can you feel the vibrations
Of the raindrops?

Let the wetness
Wash over you.

Try to relax
With the massage?

Rain drops put me
Into a meditative state.

Rain drops are like a drum
That focuses thoughts.

Rain drops draw me deeper
And deeper within myself.

I remember the joy
Of swimming in the rain!

Originally written: January 19, 1995

Sitting and listening to rain falling is a very enjoyable pastime
for me.  Listening to the raindrops puts me into a meditative
state.  Watching a storm approach across the valley or
horizon is exciting to me. It takes me deeper into thoughts
within my mind.  It brings memories back to become
fresh and hot much like a hot flash. 

To walk in the rain or just lie out on the dock and let the
raindrops provide the cleansing shower to wash all the bad
feelings away are magical moments.   These are the
precious jewels never to be sold.

I Wonder

An old family picture

I wonder
On this day
And others,

What gifts
My parents
Left me.

From my father,
I am goal oriented
Pragmatic and a politician.

Oh yes!
I am stubborn
As a concrete post.

From my dear mother,
I am grace and faith filled,
Artistic and generous.

And yes!
I am thankful
And lovingly romantic.

I am very lucky!!

Originally written:  May 15, 2000
Mothers Day was Sunday, May 14th in 2000. Mother passed away in
October 1976. My Mother-in-law passed away in July 1991.  My Dad
died in January 1975. My Father-in-law died in November 1982. Mothers
Day in our family is a well celebrated event with family gathering to share
a meal and a day of stories, teasing, and games.  It was also sharing the
chores of cooking and cleaning up afterward.  It is a family tradition and in a
way a family ritual. It has been a ritual building family relationships of
understanding and patient endurance.

On Mothers Day it was natural to reflect on family and what gifts were
passed down. and the prose above. The words rattled around in my mind
all day.  By the next day they just begged to be written down in my journal.
They were written down just this way, as if the words were indelible.   The
were no corrections or word changes.  Eleven years later, I would still make
no changes. 

Yes, I am very lucky!